Are People Troubled by Affairs Healthy? Or Unhealthy?

Asahi Shimbun Morning Edition, December 12, 1998

We live in an age where even the president of a superpower can find himself in jeopardy over an “inappropriate relationship.” If all one gets from a spouse is a “You fool!” and a cold shoulder, perhaps that should be met with gratitude.

There are times when people who have engaged in extramarital affairs come to the clinic, suffering from insomnia or depression due to the inner conflict of being caught in a bind. One wants to say, “If it’s going to make you suffer, then don’t have an affair in the first place,” but when it comes to this issue, there are people who lose all self-control.

Why are affairs so common in today’s world? A psychiatrist colleague of mine proposed a hypothesis: “In modern society, the path to status and recognition is largely predetermined—by the time someone’s in high school, their future is already foreseeable. Once they’re employed, the only adventure or thrill left might just be an affair.”

Some affairs are structural and long-lasting, but many are opportunistic and fleeting. They often occur when people are feeling uplifted by success at work—or, conversely, when there's a void in their hearts.

The film Fatal Attraction (1987) portrays a case where a man, riding high on his career, engages in what he thinks will be a one-time fling—only to find himself facing irreversible consequences.

Even if one party thinks it’s just a brief encounter, the other may feel differently. The lawyer played by Michael Douglas ends up battling the danger that descends upon him and his family as a result. Glenn Close portrays a terrifying woman, almost on par with characters from horror films. Watching it might just kill off any romantic notions about cheating.There are many who relate to Lost Paradise or The Bridges of Madison County, but an affair is essentially a deviation from daily life. The smallest spark of envy, jealousy, hatred, or hostility that emerges depending on one’s circumstances can easily trigger destructive behavior. Affairs are dangerous territory.

When a wife gets angry about her husband’s infidelity, it’s a healthy response. But some women blame themselves, thinking it happened because they were lacking in some way. Whether you're the one having the affair or the one being cheated on, it causes stress. Retaliating with your own affair only makes things worse.

How should we respond to those who come to the clinic feeling depressed over an affair? I find myself wondering: between those who are troubled and those who aren’t, who is really the healthy one?